Stupid Chronicles

So there I was Monday night in downtown Bozeman, “helping” (different rant) with a junior’s film shoot. This particular scene that we were shooting involved a drunken truck driver swerving around a road at stupid speeds and (in the film’s reality) running the fuck over a suicidal immortal. Having a nifty truck, I was elected to be the drunk. Naturally a scene like this calls for road closures, so a permit was obtained, the appropriate people notified (police, city, nearby residents), and “road closed” signs put up at every entrance to this street. I mean, we can’t have me smashing into oncoming traffic.

Now, keep in mind these are real “road closed” signs; the sorts they’d put in front of a cliff leading down to infinity and/or an enormous barrel of demonic monkeys. And just in case those didn’t work, we even put up big fancy orange road cones (the five feet tall kind) on the sides. Allow me to illustrate this:

As you can see, my path is safely blocked off, right? WRONG. First rehearsal of the shot, I come barreling down (about 30 mph) the road, swerving and all that jazz. Just before I get to the camera, a white car comes pulling through the barrier in the top right of the illustration. Now I was already pressing on the brakes because I only wanted to get a feel for the action (hence, rehearsal) but had I not been, they would’ve got a side full of S10. That wasn’t the first car of the night to do that, but it WAS the first (and thankfully only) one that could’ve hurt something. Strangely, the sound guy is the only other person who was just as confused and concerned as I was, so we move some cones and even went as far as pushing one sign back between parallel parked cars (leaving zero room for maneuvering around). Alas, we couldn’t do that with all the signs…

I don’t know if there’s a word or phrase to accurately describe what took place over the next half hour of shooting (shocking, utter failure of the theory that people are born with common sense comes close, I suppose). But I spent most of the time between takes around the corner (where the truck is in the illustration) waiting for action to be called via cell phone since I was out of earshot. As a result, I had a chance to observe a lot of traffic being introduced to the signs, and these people generally fell into two groups:

Group A - Mentally challenged, but cautious. These people would drive right up to the sign after turning onto the street, and proceed to sit there for several minutes. I imagine conversations in their vehicles went like this:

“Road closed… Huh.”
“What’ddya think that means?”
“I’m not sure. Don’t look like we can go around. That’s just odd. Why would anyone put up a sign like that?”
“Beats me… Couldn’t be anythin’ serious like a busted pipe under the road or maybe some construction.”
“Obviously.”
“Huh.” (picks nose)

In two cases I flashed my brights and, when one of them thought they should start to pull around, I sped up and stopped in their path. So, this species of degenerate fucktard was annoying, but largely harmless. Buuuut then there’s…

Group B - The larger of the two, this group is illiterate and proudly lacking any common sense. These folks drove right up to the signs and felt it was perfectly ok to move them and go around, some without any hesitation whatsoever. In one instance, one of them revved their engine and drove over the curb instead- too lazy to turn around, and far too lazy to move the sign and not risk damaging their vehicles, I guess. I estimate that, in the span of 30 minutes, no less than half a dozen people in Group B came along. But my favorite moment with these unlovable cunts occurred while waiting between takes: A white car pulled up to the sign across the road from my waiting area, and in less than five seconds a man got out the passenger side and proceeded to move the road cone on the side of the sign, all while talking on his cell phone as if his actions were just as common as tying his shoe (though, after seeing this, I seriously suspect he has trouble doing that). Once I attached my jaw back onto my skull, I got out and walked over to him. As I did, his car slowly started to pull forward (there’s a driver and another passenger still inside). The conversation went like this:

“Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?”
The man stares at me for a moment, confused, then slowly says, “We’re going through here…”
“You know, the road closed signs are up for a reason.”
“…What’re you doing?”
“We’re shooting a movie, we have permits and city officials are notified. And moving road signs without permission is pretty much illegal.”
“…Ah. So… Do you want us to turn around?”
Given that the car was already halfway there and that we weren’t shooting, I told him “don’t fucking do it again” and moved the sign behind my truck to let them through.

Less fun was a take or two before that moment, when a kid came around the corner to the left of my waiting area with his lights off, stopped by me, got out and without saying anything, began to move the sign behind my truck. I rolled my window down:

“Hi.”
“How’s it going?”
“What the FUCK are you doing?”
“…I live here. What the fuck are you doing?”
“We’re shooting a movie dammit, the signs are up for a reason.”
“Well I turned my lights off.”

I didn’t feel like getting in a fight, so I got out and moved the sign. But fucking hell, since when does “road closed” translate to “turn your lights off and go around”? Even small children, with their miniscule mental capacity and limited reasoning abilities would be able to figure out that A) The camera is STILL going to see your haggard-ass truck rolling down the road because, omg, God invented street lights to illuminate the road and B) the fact that your lights are off makes it even MORE distracting.

Never in my life have I seen such an astounding display of stupidity. In the three years that I’ve been posting on this site, there is not ONE moment that I feel compares to this. Ok sure- think for yourself, question authority, and all that other wonderful stuff that makes for an intelligent populous. But for fuck’s sake, “road closed” is not like “eat your vegetables”. It’s not an option, it’s not a suggestion- it’s a FACT. It means the road is unsuitable for traveling because there’s a cliff ahead, there’s construction, a busted pipe, fresh asphalt, people working, flocks of midgets, pants, dinosaurs and/or fucking quicksand ahead. It means, YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

…Actually, after discussing this with my brother, I think “Road closed - Quicksand” might be more effective:

“Road closed. Well fuck this I’m go-… Wait, quicksand? Oh shit… Well, damn. I mean potentially causing thousands in damage by wandering over construction is fine and stuff, but… Quicksand. That shit eats people. Fuck this, I’m turning around.”

So here’s to Bozeman, now home of the main reason I have no hope for the human race. Cheers.

Michael Bay is the director behind a number of high-grossing action films, including The Rock, Armageddon, and most recently, Transformers. Having just viewed Transformers for the second time at a theater (on campus here), I’d like to take a minute to talk to you about this awful habit “movie buffs” and/or “film elitists” have of bashing the shit out of him because… They’re elitist.

Film programs like the one I’m in have a nasty reputation of producing folks that only like “art” films- you know, the sorts of movies that nobody sees but win all sorts of film festivals and get nominated for Oscars (Mulholland Dr./anything by David Lynch, anything written by Charlie Kaufman, Terrence Malick, etc).

I love those sorts of movies, to be honest; I feel that one of the best things about film is that not only can you tell a story, but you can do it through visual art. Sadly, the fact that visual art doesn’t always have to equal obscure what-the-fuck-is-that imagery is lost on a lot of people claiming to be connoisseurs of film.

So, Michael Bay. He directs films that have a very simple plot and very little in the way of character development. What a bastard, huh? No. Why? Because he prefers to ride on other elements of filmmaking; it’s called style. And if anyone ever shouts at you that he sucks, tell them that this is what he does well:

- Shot composition. Bay’s films are typically associated with MTV-style editing: quick cuts, very often. I’ll get to that in a minute, but here’s the thing: If you walk into a Michael Bay film looking for Kubrick-esque shots that last two minutes, you’re a moron. But if you watch them with the appropriate eye, you’ll notice something: Most of his shots are perfectly composed and beautifully lit. He’s not a hack, folks: Bay does things with camera and lighting that my professors would have a hard time replicating.

- Editing style. Anyone who thinks that quick cuts automatically equal bad is a pretentious cunt. Yes, a number of great filmmakers like Hitchcock, Lynch, Kubrick, Coppola, etc. use long takes, and extremely well. But that’s because it’s APPROPRIATE. I want you to imagine the infiltration of the island in The Rock as one long, constant take. It’d be boring. Moreover, one reason editing is there is to put you inside the character’s head; the obvious testosterone and kinetic energy of a SEAL team taking over an objective would, logically, lend itself to quick cuts. It’s common sense. But noooo, apparently because 90% of pop music videos are cut this way (for entirely different reasons) means that when movies are, they equal shit too.

- Pacing. The screenplays that Bay works with are very kinetic and action-oriented. This is a bit more subjective, but if you pay attention Bay is using a very effective formula: Tension and release. For example: In The Rock, the scene with the SEAL team entering the shower room. There’s a stand off that lasts a good 2 minutes, with cuts getting progressively quicker and foreboding music building, then it explodes. It’s appropriate. And again in Transformers- when the base survivors are attacked after escaping, the battle moves into a village, the action levels off, then slowly builds again into a climax involving an air-strike. He never overloads you with action (like say, Ridley Scott in Black Hawk Down). Furthermore, dialogue sequences are appropriately paced as well. I could cite examples all day, but I’d much rather somebody pick me one that doesn’t work in the context of the film as a whole.

- Theatrics. I find dialogue with thoughtful subtext, frames with symbolic imagery, and messages of political and/or philosophical nature to be quite entertaining. I also find things blowing up and over the top action to be a good time as well. And the latter is what Bay is and should always be known for. Transformers: That village battle sequence, once an air strike is called. You see A-10s flying in with a sunset backdrop, shots angled into the sky from below characters firing automatic weapons showing planes screeching by, etc. The same can be found in all of his movies. It’s not just “omg I can’t believe they did that”, it’s “holy fucking shit, look at this chaos”. It’s over the top, it’s often unrealistic, and you know what? It’s MEANT to be like that. Some movies are made to mimic reality, others are made to magnify it 1000x (hyper-realism).

And yeah, his movies have a tendency to throw character development at you like a file (the cliché scenes of “I read your file” or “here’s his file”), instead of reveling it as the film goes on. Could he? Sure, hell it might even work. But when the focus of your movie is so glaringly obvious chaos and explosions, high tension situations and basic good vs. evil conflict, what the FUCK is the point?

Perhaps that’s your criticism: Bay knows he’s making films for audiences that- by and large- will never see cinema as anything more than entertainment (that whole art-thing I mentioned earlier). But blaming Bay for dumbing down America is a load of bullshit. Look at our public education systems and the fact that the media will give front page attention to O.J. Simpson NOT killing someone again, rather than the situation with Iran, Iraq, and basically anything else that could potentially affect everyone’s lives. Michael Bay puts out a 2 hour movie every couple of years. Evil bastard, huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely agree that his movies reap the benefits of a culture that really can’t perform critical thinking as a whole. But just because stupid people enjoy something doesn’t mean it is factually stupid: 90% of Tool fans are legally retarded, Red Hot Chili Peppers have a huge jock fan base, there’s a lot of idiots on Halo Live!, and many LOTR fans are socially inept escapists. But I could spend another three pages arguing the validity and importance of all of those subjects, so the argument that stupid fans equal a stupid product is completely null.

It all comes down to style, which in cinema should be treated as subjective; just like taste in music, video games, or anything with genre-classifications. People who think one style is, in fact, better than another are essentially Nazis. If you dislike Michael Bay films, by all means, good for you. But have a reason that’s not “because all the other film kids do” or “he doesn’t make movies like x director is renowned for”. It’s that sort of sheep-like behavior that’s destroying humanity.

You know, it’s sad that a lot of film buffs/elitists don’t understand why Michael Bay makes chaotic, popcorn action flicks, and could care less about going deep into the involved characters. Maybe they’ve forgotten that they spent a solid portion of their childhood enjoying cartoons that do the same thing.

It’s called… Fun. Pure and simple.

Well, after four months it would appear I have something (very nearly) worth posting. Similiar to the last one, this was originally a bulletin on Myspace that I found… Silly. Occasionally, I see these things float by- a long list of reasons why state “x” is awesome- and I’m content to just ignore them. However, this time I found one that had not only that, but reasons why another state is even better. The following is my response bulletin, enjoy.

So someone from California made a big ol’ list of why they rock, and then someone from Montana made a response saying “nuh huh, I’m better to infinity !!!1″.
I can see it posted four different times on my bulletins.
I thought that was a load of hodgepodge.

See, every state/segment of population has flaws.
Allow me to demonstrate:
(original post in italics)

CALIFORNIA:

- I can wear sandals all year long
Congratulations, you live in a warm climate! Good thing half the population of Earth doesn’t too- those Californians, goddamned special is what they are.

– I go to the Beach - not “down to the shore”
You’re on a planet that’s 70% water. WHO KNEW.

–Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well…Miami can hang.
They’re also the origin of the valley girl stereotype. Like omg, I bet ur sooo totali prowd!!

– I say “like” and “for sure” and “right on” and “dude” and “totally” and “peace out” and “chill” and “tight” and “bro” and I say them often
So do Jr. High dropouts. Enjoy flipping my burgers.

– I know what real cheese & avocados taste like
I think most people would break into a fit of laughter if someone actually told them this.

–Everyone smokes weed and its no big deal
Go smoke a joint in front of a cop.
No no, go for it.
I’ll be waiting for the pics.

–We’ll roll up 40 deep when something goes down.
You’re sheep. Hooray!

–I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American’s!
Until they stop doing all your lowly, shitty jobs for you and demand better wages. Then you deport them and cry about it.

–All the porn you watch is made here, cause we’re better and thats how it is
No, you just have more failed actresses and girls who lacked enough brain power to get a job at even McDonalds.

– I don’t get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear
I’ll give five whole fucking dollars to the first person who can explain why this matters in the least.

– I know 65 mph really means 100
California’s education system: Doing an epic fail right into the 21st century.

– When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont fuck around on the road
*is rendered speechless at the utter hypocrisy at this following the last point*

– The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border)
Good, you’ll get liver cancer sooner.

– My governor can kick your governors ass
My governor can speak clear, distinct english and hasn’t sexually assaulted six women.

– I can go out at midnight
And unless you’re under 16, so can everyone else in the U.S.

–You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you’re from, you give your area code
Because stereotypes are awesome.

– I might get looked at funny by locals when I’m on vacation in their state, but when they find out I’m from California I turn into a Greek GOD
I’ve never been anywhere that admired Californians. Seriously. When you drive by, nobody sees your plates and goes “OMG I HEART YEW”. They say unpleasant things and hope you die in a fiery car accident, at best.

– We don’t stop at stop signs… we do a “california roll”
And when you get t-boned into a coma, it’ll have been worth it.

– I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day
So can Texas, and any other state with a southern border. Again, you’re not really that unique.

– All the TV shows you “other” states watch get filmed here
Actually, your fucking ridiculous tax laws make a lot of them shoot in Canada. But almost.

– We’re the Golden State. Not the Cheese State. Not the Garden State…..GOLDEN!!!
Yay! Gold! It was important back in… the 19th century.

– We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them)
Gogo obesity!

– I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more than yours, which means I’m better than you
Congratulations, you’re a Nazi! Or nine years old. Something to be proud of either way.

– The best athletes come from here
O.J Simpson was pretty awesome, I’ll give you that.

*****IF YOU’RE FROM CALIFORNIA, REPOST THIS***IF YOU’RE NOT, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY******

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And here’s Montana’s equally mind-numbing points:

Unless you live in montana, you suck. Here’s why:

– Like anywhere else in the world, we too can wear sandels whenever we want..
If only we could spell “sandals”.

– Correct, we don’t go to the beach, we go to the shore. You know what else we don’t have? Shark attacks. 0 attacks in 1000 years. It’s true, look it up.
Shark attacks in the last 3 years in California: Two.
Bear attacks in Montana in the last 3 years: Over a dozen.
Nature can fuck you up no matter where you live, don’t get high and mighty.

– Your girls are NOT hotter than ours… In fact, they are almost equal… and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye… We have the real ones and they can beat yours up.
Montana: Violent tendencies > intellect.
California: Looks > intellect.
*sigh*

– We’re taught to say “Yes Sir” and “Yes Ma’am” and respect our elders because of it. We also say “Howdy” and “fixin” and “Yall” are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world We’re famous.
Respect without reason is akin to following without thought. You’re a moron for it. And we stole that dialect from the south, so, no.

– You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like… but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes? Oh yeah, our potatos come out of the ground too, not out of a box.
That’s right, here in Montana, our potatoes are cultivated right in the fucking back of the store. No really, that’s not a full of shit, ignorant retort. Not at all.

– Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done…
My dad can beat your dad up! Nuh uh- I bet my brother could beat up your dad! No way! YEAH HUH!
…What are we, seven years old?

– I live next door to americans, but we call them mexicans(that’s right)
And the point is…?

– Why would you brag about not getting snow days off?
Good question.

– When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big ass truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california.
Yawp, we luf our big ol’ trucks, ’cause nobody never taught us what gas mileage was.

– I too can go out at midnight, AND, I can walk down the street. ANY street that is, without being robbed by kids with guns.
Visit Billings.

– You judge people based on their area codes? Sad. We have one area code because that’s all we need.
Aw, they came so close to making a point, but failed miserably with the second bit.

– Yeah, you’ll definitely get looked at funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french.
Because here in Montana, we’re uncultured and poorly educated just enough that we can’t tell the difference between France and California.

– Of course you don’t stop at stop signs… none of you can drive.
Broad sweeping generalizations for the win!

– Our state is NOT full of porn stars, but we fuck better then them anyway.
We fuck better than people who make a living fucking? Yeah, sure.

– You can get “real” mexican food. So because a person from Mexico cut up the tomato and stirred the beans, that makes it taste better? Last I heard you can’t even drink the water down there.
In other news, no one was talking about Mexico itself.

– Your athletes are better than ours? How did the Lakers, Raiders, Clippers, or A’s do last year? How about the year before? Oh and btw, Boise State won their bowl game last year and was the ONLY team in college football to go undefeated.
…Ok, that was a win.

– and remember the drinking age is 21 and we start at 14, 19 if we live close enough to canada….which is a little cleaner than your bordering country.
See my previous statement in the California version.

– On second thought, maybe you should forget I said all of this because it might lead to more Californian’s coming up here and ruining our state the way they did California’s. Yeah, just stay there.
OMG NOT NEW PPL! WHAT WILL WE DO?!!!

People can, and will, suck. Doesn’t matter where you live.
You’re no better than anyone else.
Grow up.

- Your friendly neighbor, Chris Balboni.

Two years ago, somebody decided that my posting of the “Jesus Snickers” image on Easter was rather offensive, and opted to make a stand in my comments section with some rather… “Un-constructive” criticism. I promptly tore them apart, and to this day I don’t know for certain who it was (though I have my suspicions). Nevertheless, it was an entertaining episode (located here) that hasn’t been repeated.

That is, until now.

As most of you know, my previous rant was originally a bulletin on Myspace. And as bulletins tend to do, it snowballed. One of my friends reposted it (thanks Keith!), then some of his friends did, and so on. Well, there I was on Tuesday, sittin’ around waiting for class to start, when I received a random message from some girl named “Erin”. Usually, random messages on Myspace generate one response in me (”It’s a trap, do not want!”), but this one’s title perked my curiosity (”IQ of 15″) so I clicked into it. Two minutes later, I had renewed my lack of hope for the human race.

The following is the exchange between myself and this person, provided for your amusement (and least anyone think that messaging me, instead of leaving a comment, will grant privacy). Let’s start with the original message:

“Dear Chris

Apparently the only thing YOU take a stand on is putting people down; rudely at that. The ‘ No gas on May 15th’ bulletin was an effort by a group of people who may or may not know much about activism and this was their attempt to make a difference. And yes I know that only about 1/4 of Myspacers would even apply to this protest. And most likely less than half will comply with the bulletin. BUT did anyone ever say that “everyone pumps gas on the same day”? I don’t believe so. Let me go back and check that bulletin… oh yep, no one said it!

You shot yourself in the foot when you brought in “blah blah black people blah blah”. This shows you’re either 1. racist, 2. intolerant of others (OBVIOUSLY) and/or 3. not intelligent enough to form an argument that doesn’t involve bashing people and or groups of people who haven’t the slightest to do with the topic in question.

It doesn’t help that in your rant disguised as an argument you pull strings of words from thin air and try to play them off as quotes. That holds no water, and for someone who loves ranting and raving as much as you i would think that you would have figured out how to properly construct a debate.

You talk a big game pretending you know so much about activism, when in your own ‘essay’ (refer to 1. 2. and 3. towards bottom of bulletin) you give the impression that you would have been 1.the fat ass who simply ate the lunch while everyone worked their asses off to hunt and make it. 2. the cowardly shit who hid in the corner watching his friends get shot because he was too lazy (”wayyyyyy to much work”…) to help his fellow men let alone his own country. and 3. again, the fat ass who did NOTHING when these “blah blah black people” were working THEIR asses off for equality and respect.

“Do you want to put a dent in the oil executives pockets?
Shoot yourself, tard. Nobody likes a money-obsessed asshole.”

well that’s a very encouraging thing to say to people when they’re on the right path of making a difference. and i’m inclined to bring up the fact that that question/answer doesn’t even make sense to begin with. So if a bunch of myspacers committed mass suicide the oil exuctives would suddenly lower gas prices and dent their own pockets? I’m so sure.

It’s quite apparent that you, with your IQ of 160 and all, never stopped to realize(THINK!) that it’s the OIL INDUSTRY big wigs who are money obsessed..(why the fuck else would this bulletin have started anyway?!). obviously you missed the memo on that one.”

After collecting my thoughts- after all, I haven’t been jarred by this sort of idiotic nonsense since the days when Jr. High chitlins were rampant on here- I gave the following response:

*sigh* Oook:

“did anyone ever say that “everyone pumps gas on the same day?”

“If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th it would take $2,163,302,190.00 out of the oil companys pockets”

I know, saying the same thing in different words is often confusing for the dense and illiterate of the world. You’re forgiven. Perhaps I could donate some money to you, so you could buy “hooked-on-phonics”? Because by the looks of it, your ability to infer things is non-existent.

“blah blah black people blah blah”. This shows you’re either 1. racist, 2. intolerant of others (OBVIOUSLY) and/or 3. not intelligent enough to form an argument that doesn’t involve bashing people and or groups of people who haven’t the slightest to do with the topic in question.”

Wow. Just… Wow. The sarcasm in that part was so, incredibly obvious that I figured even the most moronic Jr. High kid would understand. See, my point was that (it’s hilarious, and tragic, that I have to explain this to a 21 year old) if you’re going to protest something, it’s very un-ambitious and shallow to do it for all of ONE day. The examples I cite- D-day, NA colonization, and the civil rights movements- are all moments of great change in history that would’ve never happened if the people behind them were only motivated for ONE DAY. Does it make sense now? Am I getting through to you? Should I, perhaps, go buy some crayons and make you a colorful diagram?

“It doesn’t help that in your rant disguised as an argument”

Good thing I don’t call them rants. You know, like in this sentence in the intro: “I’m going to start taking the angry anti-bulletin rants I make and post them here”.

And seeing as you’re so high and mighty about properly constructed debates, feel free to point out exactly where I’m making up quotes.

“well that’s a very encouraging thing to say to people when they’re on the right path of making a difference.”

Yes, because of all the reasons to NOT drive- such as the environment, health, etc- the best one is to take money away from people. Oh shit wait- that was sarcasm, and you fail miserably at detecting it. What I mean is, shouldn’t people be doing it for the RIGHT reason?

“and i’m inclined to bring up the fact that that question/answer doesn’t even make sense to begin with. So if a bunch of myspacers committed mass suicide the oil exuctives would suddenly lower gas prices and dent their own pockets? I’m so sure.”

Even if I was entirely serious (which by no means was I) my point was that people who want to “get back at the rich” are misguided and irrelevant to the environmental movement.

Anymore points that you wish to have deconstructed, captain?

.

Now I must admit, given the length of the first message, I was expecting something half-way decent in return. However, my impression that this person actually gave two shits about what they were saying was apparently dead wrong, because a few hours later I received two more messages. The first consisted of a single line:

“hahaha, you are such a faggot.”

And the second:

“you’re NINETEEN! go get a FUCKING college education. no wonder your life is so dark and depressing.. because you have no friends. and no life. and no education. poor baby.”

After recovering from the mortal wounds to my psyche (or once I managed to stifle my laughter), I gave the following reply:

“hahaha, you are such a faggot.”
“you’re NINETEEN!”

…And yet, when somebody tries to make a point against something *I* say, I take the time to give a thought-out reply. I guess when I’m 21 I’ll revert back to the 13-year-old response of calling someone a fag? I can’t wait!

“go get a FUCKING college education”
“…depressing.. because you have no friends. and no life. and no education.”

As if the irony between calling me a faggot and then saying to get an education wasn’t enough, you decide to display your astounding (uh-oh, a three syllable word! You’re probably lost now) punctuation abilities right there. Is it fun, being such a blatant hypocrite?

I’m in college, by the way, and doing quite well. But your concern is duly noted.

“no wonder your life is so dark and depressing”

Is it now? I could of swore I was rather happy and have plenty of good friends. Oh noes!

Feel free to keep making an ass of yourself, it’s extremely entertaining.

.

That was nearly four days ago, and given that Myspace tells you if they’ve read the message (and she did, not long after I sent it), I’m quite sure that’s the end of it.

I’m still baffled as to how anyone could’ve missed the sarcasm in the history bit of my rant, I really am. Yeah, my rants are biting and I would never consider them polite in the least; on more than one occasion just that alone has irked someone, and that’s understandable. But this is a whole new one- I never thought I’d have to explain that a paragraph that starts off with “Waaaaaaoooooh” is sarcastic. I always figured the people who wouldn’t understand something that obvious are either A) still in 4th grade or B) incapable of finding their way to this site due to being completely illiterate. But, I guess this person overcame the odds. Bravo to her! I say we all chip in and get her a nice piece of educational software- they have lots of nifty pictures these days, and that would probably be right up her ally.

*looks down* So apparently I never post here anymore, which is silly considering what I’m paying for this site. However, it seems that Myspace is a superb medium for my ranting these days, given that people actually read what I post there (apparently, a sarcastic asshole in contrast to a bulletin monkey is a refreshing read for some people). And seeing as things disappear rather quickly over there, I’m going to start taking the angry anti-bulletin rants I make and post them here. That way, there’s some semblance of activity occurring here, and I’m not as disappointed to see my words buried under a sea of garbage . So, let’s kick things off:

The following is the original bulletin that was posted:

Title: DONT PUMP GAS ON MAY 15TH

Body: On May 15th all myspace members are to not go to the gas station in protest high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most places. There are 72,110,073 members currently on the network, and the average car takes about 20 to 30 dollars to fill up. If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th it would take $2,163,302,190.00 out of the oil companys pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May 15th and lets try to put a dent in the oil industry for at least one day.

If you agree repost this bulletin repost it with ‘Don’t pump gas on May 15th’

And this is my response:

Apparently, somewhere between 2 and midnight, there has been a veritable spurt of people posting “rawr rawr don’t buy on May 15th, you’ll make rich people all sad, and that’s aaaawesome”. To those people posting, I say:

You

Are

Fucking morons.

Let’s analyze why. It’ll be fun!

First, the title:

“DONT PUMP GAS ON MAY 15″

Wait wait, this has to be a joke, right? Right? Nobody is actually so goddamned, inconceivably, utterly FUCKING RETARDED as to think that the entirety of the world gets gas all on the same day? Right? Please tell me nobody is that incoherent and small-minded, please? That would pretty much refute the theory of human evolution…

“On May 15th all myspace members”

Aaand STOP. The average myspace member can barely remember that they posted 4 bulletins 5 seconds ago. They’re going to remember to NOT do something in a month? There’s being optimistic, and then there’s being a goddamn lunatic. This assumption is the latter.

“If all myspace members did not go to the pump on the 15th it would take $2,163,302,190.00 out of the oil companys pockets for just one day,”

This may come as a surprise to you, so hold onto your seat. Ready?
Myspace is:

A) Not just American soooo… The dollar amount? Yeah, last I checked, despite our best efforts, we haven’t taken over the world. Not everyone uses the dollar, numbnuts.

B) In conjunction with A (I know, I’m using lots of words so you’re probably tired by now- what with your IQ of 6- but keep at it), do you have ANY idea how many people in metropolitan areas don’t even OWN cars? Jesus H. Babcock, not everyone is a fat tub of lard. And then there’s that whole public transportation nonsense that OMG, is still being used! Ha! Imagine that! Buses, trains, subways, oh my! Why, who EVER would use those? Surely only the poor, RIGHT?

C) Also filled with 13 year old children who
_1) Don’t have the mental capacity to operate a steering wheel.
_2) AREN’T FUCKING OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE.

Oh, but that’s not all folks! Then we have THIS brilliant closing line:

“lets try to put a dent in the oil industry for at least one day.”

Waaaaaaoooooh, move OVER Rupert Murdoch! Here comes the ambition train! This is an awesome plan. In fact, I think we could’ve used this “let’s be motivated for exactly one day” strategy elsewhere in history:

1. Colonization of North America. We shoulda landed, made lunch, and then said fuck it. We’re full, lets go home.

2. D-Day. I mean really, why bother after owning the beaches in France? That was plenty of nazi ass-kicking! All that hullabalo in Holland, the Ardennes, etc? Yeah, waaaaaaay too much work if you ask me.

3. Martin Luther King. All that marching and such, honestly! We got the point after the first one, was all that repetitious nonsense about “blah blah black people blah blah” REALLY necessary?

This is why Myspace is depressing. It turns people that I otherwise enjoy into sheep. You’re wanna be activists, you know that? You’re the sort of people that go, “lawl, I h4te bush 2!!!” because you think that means you’re taking a stand against something.

You’re wrong.

What, is it somehow OK to do stupid shit that in principal (I don’t use “in theory”, because this theory is about as coherent as Helen Keller) MIGHT hurt someone powerful? People don’t take stands just to “fuck with the man”, they do it because it actually MEANS something to them. Not “oh yah, lik, gas is toatli expensive. It rully dranes my mom’s wallet, lawl”.

Do you want to put a dent in the oil executives pockets?
Shoot yourself, tard. Nobody likes a money-obsessed asshole.

Do you want to do something GOOD for the environment?
Use public transportation, walk, ride a fucking BIKE. And REGULARLY. Not just for a day, not for a week. Do that, and THEN you’ll make a difference.

Stop posting faux-protest bulletins. Not only will you save the valuable IQ points of everyone on your friends list that may read it, but you’ll at least give the appearance that you have a high school education.

Your friendly neighbor,
Chris Balboni.

Do you spend the majority of your waking hours inside a video game?

Ever discussed- with a sick, creepy orgasmic happiness- how awesome your bard is?
Done that for longer than 20 minutes?

How about skipped a class that you’re paying money to be in… So you could play a video game instead? And if so, how does it feel being one step above actual mental retardation?

Are the majority of your friends as narrow in their social mindset as you?

In fact, do you speak to your “friends” more online than in person?

For that matter- Ever had someone break up with you and give the reason, “You pay more attention to WoW than to me”?

Is this statement true: “Leveling Up > Spending time hanging out with friends in a real social setting”?

Does the thought of discussing anything outside of a single, solitary video game just freak you the hell out?

When presented with any of the above questions, do you laugh because they’re true?

You see, the people I know that play WoW (among whom- I might add- every one of the questions above rings true for) think it’s just a goddamn laugh riot how much time they sink into the game. Folks, I’ve spent the majority of my life playing video games, but never have any of my habits even come close to comparing to those of the majority of the WoW community. I’m not gonna knock anyone for really enjoying doing something- hell, sometimes all I want to do for an evening is kill things in Battlefield 2- but when the entirety of someone’s personal life consists of doing nothing more than playing one, single video game… That’s not enjoyment. That’s obsession. For the love of fucking hell, I’ve even listened to these people talk about how tedious it gets- I mean when you’re spending hours upon hours completing tasks that you personally find insignificant and boring, what the hell is wrong with you? Did your parents body slam you as a wee tot? That’s not gaming, fucktard. Maybe I can simplify this: Not having fun =/= Having fun. Now see, I find that quite easy to understand, but maybe that’s why I’m not much for RPGs. The idea of leveling up doing boring, repetitive tasks just seemed… Well, idiotic. But hey, that’s just me apparently.

I know, there’s not a person alive who can claim they’ve never been obsessed with something in their life- but for most people, obsession ends. Not so with the people I speak of. They embrace it. They cling to it because apparently, their life and minds are so empty that a MMORPG is the absolute pinnacle of existence.

So this isn’t a laughing matter, morons. Wake up. Or kill yourself. At this point I’m more than willing to say that the latter isn’t going to cost the human race much- because there’s so much in life to see, enjoy, laugh and think about that has nothing, nothing to fucking do with World Of Warcraft. The reason people walk away from you when they hear your discussion of “omg, I’ve totally spent all week trying to conquer such and such/level up my character” isn’t because they “don’t get it”- it’s because they do, and it depresses the shit out of them that anything on this earth could be such an enormous waste of oxygen.

So rather than stay in Bozeman last weekend celebrating my birthday by hanging out with my friends here and doing some much needed studying for a test on Tuesday, I opted to take off to a city I’ve never been to with people I’ve never met. Overall it was pretty fun, but being a production assistant (aka, bitch) on a student film is fairly dull.

Thursday evening I joined a crew of about 10 film students (mostly juniors) heading to Billings to shoot a short project called “Human Business”. The story is kind of Twilight Zone-esque: It takes place in the present, but society is slightly different. Humans are now a stock option, with investors buying and selling stock on individuals based on their relationships with others, as well as their personal gains or failings. The plot follows a girl who believes she’s doing well, only to see her life come crashing down in a series of events triggered by the people around her caring solely about her monetary value.

Shooting started bright and early the next morning around 9 outside of the First Interstate Bank tower. Our producer ran into an interesting situation though: Apparently Bush is coming to visit sometime in November (I’m assuming as part of the elections), and Secret Service was in the tower that morning, setting up or something. They seemed none to happy that we were shooting that day, but they didn’t try stopping us since we had permission.

After we finished up there, we moved on to our director’s house, where the first scene with the lead actress took place. I really can’t remember her name (Marie something), but she was nice enough and had some interesting connections: She went to school with/knows Bryce Howard (daughter of Ron Howard, an awesome director who also played Opie on The Andy Griffith Show as a child), one of her instructors at NYU played Rafael in the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, and she knows Leonardo DiCaprio personally. It was cool hearing stories from somebody who’s “in the business” so to speak (even though she hasn’t done anything bigger than television), since up until last week I’d never met any such people.

There’s not a whole lot to say about the actual shoot really- that day dragged on forever, since there wasn’t much need for myself or the other freshman who signed on to help. We pretty much just sat around and watched them go about their business for the entire three days. However, things DID get interesting on Friday night. We were shooting a scene outside of a bar & grill downtown, when out of nowhere a fire truck pulls up. Now, we had fog machines (bought at K-Mart for $15) going so everyone kind of went “oh shit”. But when the producer went up to them to tell them it’s ok, they walked right by and went inside. Apparently, someone inside had stopped breathing- how this warrants a fire truck is beyond me, but 15 minutes later an ambulance showed up to haul the guy off (who was yelling and very clearly wasted). So, we resumed. And I got to do some “actual” work by pushing around the makeshift dolly while they filmed on it, as well as appear as an extra that gets shoved out of the way when the main character runs off (kind of doubt that bit will make it in though).

Saturday was my birthday, not that anybody knew. Given that we weren’t eating meals per se (the occasional sandwich, junk, etc), I felt like hell when I woke up and was generally somewhat sullen- I mean we spent all morning shooting on a bus, where for 2 hours I did nothing but sit out of the way. Sort of made me think, “Wow, I’m missing out on actual fun for this?” But, it got better. That evening we ate dinner at our cameraman’s Aunt’s house- though he himself was busy with half the crew, so it was only 4 of us. After that we shot a scene in a gym, where the producer threw a pair of running pants at me and said “wanna be an extra?” This time I should actually be visible… Working out. Oh yeah.

Sunday went by insanely fast. The first half of the day we shot in a damn nice restaurant downtown and we spent the second half in a hospital, which was by far the most comfortable location (we lounged around in the administration conference room between takes, mwah). Wrapped around 7, and went to KFC for dinner.

The ride home was slightly terrifying. Halfway to Livingston, the snow was coming down so fast that we had to pull over- briefly contemplating sleeping in the car for the night if it didn’t let up (we couldn’t see 2 feet in front of the car while moving). But a convoy of semi’s drove by and we followed them until it cleared up. From there it was back to Bozeman without incident, though by the time we reached town there was 3-4 inches of snow and it was still coming down pretty good.

So that’s about it. As far as the crew themselves go, most of them were great (which is good, given that 5 of us were cramped into one hotel room). The director, however, was fairly incompetent. It’s pretty bad when even a freshman MTA major can tell you’re failing at your job, but she wasn’t interacting at all with her actors and it was very obvious she hadn’t done any sort of visual preparation for the shoot (storyboards or even a decent mental picture). But otherwise, all cool people. I probably spent the most time hanging around the sound guy (Jim), who was somewhat of an ass but very funny (don’t imagine too many people spend their time between takes playing StarCraft). The director of photography (I think- it was a small crew, so everyone was doing several things), Ryan, was equally hilarious and cool, and the producer (Jay) was one of the most down to earth guys I’ve met in the department so far (which is why I signed up on his shoot in the first place- he seemed “sane”). All in all, I’m glad I did it… Gave me a better idea of how to run my own productions. And, how not to direct.

Pictures here.

Ok, it’s been well over a month since I’ve posted anything. Here’s what’s been going on:

I’ve started college- and 99% of you reading this know that already- which gives me a great excuse for claiming to be busy. But the truth is… I’m really not. In fact, I’m less busy now than I ever was during high school. The reason for the lack of posting is that prior to graduating, about half the posts here were directly related to or revolved around attending high school. The reality is that it’s rather hard for me to find something to get all riled up about when the vast majority of nonsense and stupidity has been cut out of my life (and I’m certainly not going to complain about that): There’s a large enough number of mature people to hang out with around here that it’s harder to notice the idiots, there’s plenty of things to do, and most of all, universities treat you like a person and not like a threat. See, if I were to write unfavorable things about the MSU administration and in some unlikely turn of events, they read it, they wouldn’t call a meeting to discuss whether or not they can shut me down (like say, a certain high school I used to attend).

But don’t take that to mean I’m through here. Not even. Hell, I just switched to a more expensive host while I’m going broke, so I obviously wish to continue my endeavors on this site. Posts will come, they’ll just be far between, so please keep checking out the site. If you haven’t read the archives, do so- I don’t quite agree with all of my early posts anymore, but they’re entertaining nevertheless. And go download everything off the Videos and 7th Act page if you haven’t already, because I’ve got a shitload of bandwidth to kill now.

Three months ago I was fully expecting to see at least a handful of concerts this summer, but alas, it’s all but over now and I only managed to catch one. Good thing that one kicked serious ass, huh? Anyways, I’ll keep this brief since I have neither the time or energy to describe in full detail everything about the trip (that’s what the 190+ videos/pictures on my camera are for).

Endfest is a yearly thing that takes place just outside of Seattle and consists of a handful of unknowns and a few headlining “names”. This year it was The Gossip, Rock Kills Kid, The Subways, The Eagles Of Death Metal, Wolfmother, Nine Black Alps (missed them), The Mars Volta, and The Red Hot Chili Peppers (this being the first stop of the tour for the latter two). Modest Mouse was allegedly signed on to play, though I had no idea when I purchased my ticket (I would’ve been far more disappointed when I found out they cancelled had I known), and Snow Patrol dropped off at the last minute. No big loss I suppose. Onto the show:

The Gossip

We got there about halfway into their set, but it was certainly interesting: Vocals reminiscent of 70’s soul with punk drums and bass lines. Like the rest of the bands there I’d never heard them up until that moment, but they might be worth a look.

Rock Kills Kid

Kind of alt-rock emo band, though I think they made some sort of “statement” between songs about being labeled. At any rate, they put on a great show- their keyboardist/guitarist came on stage with a cigarette and a beer, and three songs later he was quite clearly drunkas you can see in the video (I admire the fact that he can play two instruments, wasted).

The Subways

A three piece British “indie rock” band (I generally despise the gross misuse of that term, but that’s the only description I can come up with for them). I thought they put on a great performance, but it’s the same deal as when I saw Devildriver: Great show with a ton of energy and music that sounds good live, but you know it’s not interesting enough to actually buy. They were constantly jumping and moving around, with the vocalist/guitarist going so far as to climb the beam holding the roof over the stage. In all honesty the guy was a prick- he threw his guitar down and kicked his mic at one point, so I’m sure the techies love him- but he was very entertaining.

The Eagles Of Death Metal

Just an all around fun show. Josh from Queens of the Stone Age wasn’t present, though we didn’t figure that out for sure until after the fact since everyone was dressed up like washed-up hillbillies and you couldn’t tell who was who. But yeah, solid rock music with frickin’ style. I loved it.

Wolfmother

First main stage band, only caught two songs and I was really trying to get used to being 100 yards from the stage for the first time in my life, so I didn’t get into it very much. I’ve heard them a few times before though, and I’d love to have a chance to see them properly.

The Mars Volta

Ahh, the drama of the day. Well, first I have to say I’ve heard a lot of rumors good and bad about the Volta live, and every one of the bad ones was kicked out the fucking window in about 30 seconds. They rocked. Opened with “The Haunt Of Roulette Dares”, and went from there. The show sort of melted all together so I don’t much remember the set-list, though it also included “The Widow” and two new songs (and speaking of the new album, they used the art as their stage backdrop- and it was jaw-droppingly gorgeous when they unveiled it).

But then things went to hell… First Cedric decided to mock all the people slam-dancing in the pit, saying something along the lines of “I like it when you guys shake your asses- or, if you’re like me, you shake your no-asses. But you faggots doing the slam dancing, get the fuck out, go to the fucking warped tour or some shit, I don’t want to see it. This isn’t the place to do it.” He made several other remarks, one about “why don’t you guys go suck some other major label dick”, but the real highlight came when someone apparently threw a bottle of urine at him. After it happened Cedric said, “Whoever thew the bottle of piss at me, I’ll meet you at the entrance and I’ll fight you. We’re not here to make friends.” They continued into one more song- a new one- until Omar broke a string, which was likely the straw that broke the camel’s back because he immediately slammed his guitar into his amp. He then had a brief exchange of words with Cedric (which apparently was “I’m done, I’m done”), and left. Cedric had some parting words of wisdom: “This is what happens when you have a venue on ancient burial grounds. Again, I will pay $100-$1000 to whoever finds the person throwing piss and kicks them in the nuts. I will give you free merch, a life-time supply of Mars Volta tickets, fly you everywhere, we’ll be best friends. But I want him fucking decapitated.”

That’s not verbatim, but it’s close enough. The burial ground thing isn’t true, but the amphitheatre is on a reservation. I did find out that our suspicion that the perp got away clean was wonderfully false (we didn’t see any commotion so we just assumed): He was apparently just starting to throw fists with fans when security grabbed him BY THE HAIR and drug his ass out of the pit to a nearby police officer, who then arrested him and hauled him out of the venue.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers

First I must note: It pisses me off the way big shows are run, like it’s some sort of sporting event. As cheesy as this might sound, it kinda kills the mood, you know? If you show up early you should be able to get as close as you fucking can. But alas, I’m not in charge. Anyways, between the five of us that went (plus Keith, who met us there), only Jed and Ben’s tickets were next to each other since I ordered them all at different times. When it came close to RHCP starting their set seats started to fill up rather quickly, but we held the spots we had together for TMV with no problem. Then I decided I needed to go to the bathroom, and upon my return, security would only let me into my ticket’s designated seating section, which was 5 rows to the right of the rest of the gang. So I took my chances by going into my proper area, down a few rows, aaaand then all the way across, back to where I was. But as it turns out, other people had taken their proper seats and I was only able to sit behind my friends by dumb luck: A man with two kids had 4 tickets, but his “asshole friend” didn’t show up. He was very drunk and made a bit of a tense scene trying to find his ticket stub (Ben was ready to turn around and take him down if he had pulled out anything else) to give me, but it all turned out ok. Moving on:

The Chili Peppers finally came on and they owned everything, just as they should have. Flea was the first to comment on TMV’s experience, saying something like “and to whoever threw piss at The Mars Volta, you KNOW I’ll come down and kick your ass”. Kiedis quipped later, “You know what? I love The Mars Volta”. Anyways, I don’t have an exact set-list, but they did play Scar Tissue, Otherside, Californication, By The Way, Can’t Stop, Dani California, Stadium Arcadium, Throw Away Your Television, Don’t Forget Me, and Tell Me Baby (not in that order, but probably close). There was much improv by Flea and Frusciante (who mixed it up with his solos, especially on Scar Tissue), and a lengthy drum solo by Chad preceding the encore, which was the only song prior to the Californication album I was hoping to hear: Give It Away. Under The Bridge would’ve been cool too, but ah well. The show ended with about 15 minutes of improv by Flea and Frusciante, which I recorded none of, but all of which was incredible to hear and see.

Anyways, that about does it. All around kick ass show that was well worth the $60 ticket (which was $45 pre-ticketmaster rape-age) and 7 hour drive with 4 good friends (who are all extremely mature; no, seriously). And because I know I left things out but am far too tired to spend much time writing this, here’s a ton of pics and videos (both of the show and the trip) for your amusement:

Concert Pics and Trip Pics
Videos

Just a note on the video and pics from the two mainstage bands: When they don’t look ant-sized, it’s because I’m a genius and stuck my binoculars up to my camera lens and found out (much to my surprise) that it actually works! The pics are shit for the most part, but I’m blown away at the video I got. I kick ass, w00t!

Good day.

I’d like to take a brief break from my full schedule of doing fuck-all to talk about a fascinating internet phenenomenon that I am neither the first, nor the last, to have a love/hate relationship with:

Myspace.

The above name will either induce a groan of disdain or remind you to go check your messages in your profile ’cause hey, it’s probably been 5 minutes. At any rate, everyone and their dog (I have a terrible feeling that I’m not exaggerating with that line) has an account these days, including myself. But that’s just thing: I’ve been traipsing around the internet for a large part of my life, and one thing I’ve discovered is there’s a large section of the human population that should be blocked off from web-page design by a 100 foot thick concrete barrier guarded around the clock by personnel with automatic weapons and attack-badgers. And a small percentage of that population, well, should just be shot for even thinking of accessing the internet.

Now before I launch into this next bit, don’t get me wrong: The principal behind Myspace is one that I whole-heartedly support. However, with every great idea are a few side effects, often negative. Myspace’s shortcomings just happen to show off the depressingly fast decline of civilization, that’s all. Here’s how:

- Retarded, color-blind monkeys can make better pages that are easier on the eyes than some of the shit I’ve seen: text the same color as the background, color-schemes of hot pink and puke-green, black text on dark background, and ridiculous static-image backgrounds that you can’t see text over because when you scroll the text is the same fucking color as the picture. You know, it’s the sort of thing that takes common sense, chops it into little bits, and throws it screaming in agony from twelve stories up.

- Streaming media and the halfwits that don’t understand “no, listening to two tracks at once is NOT appealing.” Thankfully Myspace wised up and now allows you to disable music from automatically playing on profiles, but I STILL come across pages with two, sometimes three streaming windows media files that love to buffer all at once. Not only that, but 90% of the time it’s some overplayed shitacular excuse of a music video and RARELY anything you’d want to see. No no really, I WANT to see the latest hip-hop video that looks EXACTLY like the rest of the lot, or Marilyn Manson because I didn’t get my fill when MTV whored the shit out of him in the late 90’s.

- Ebonics inbreeding with chat lingo. There is no larger concentrated effort of raping and pillaging the English language than Myspace. Not only do you have people who are well over the age of 15 that don’t know TyPiNg LiKe ThIs is something 10 year old girls typically do because their parents didn’t slap any sense into them before throwing a keyboard at them, but you have people (”gangsta-g”s, wiggers, and other suburban degenerates) that somehow COMBINE the verbal excrement that is Ebonics with the typing equivalent known as chat lingo, forming sentences like “u kn0 dat’z hawt b1tch”. Now as fascinating as the evolution of a language is, this is like watching the average Arkansas family tree form from its roots: Starts off amusingly enough, but by the end there’s so many deformities and syndromes that you want to vomit and murder all at once. Hell, as I write this Myspace is down (a whole issue unto itself), and have a look at their notice. Sure, in chat no caps and missing apostrophes is a given, but on the main page of a site getting tens of thousands of unique visitors every hour? That’s not an assertion of style- that’s being a lazy incompetent moron. Go Tom!

On a side-note to the picture, it was at least 5 hours before they came back online. Nice estimating, dipshits.

- Glitches, errors, and generally more technical difficulties than you would think possible given the site’s popularity (then again, I guess patience could be a side effect of stupid) . Oh it’s a blast: You leave a comment, but there’s a solid chance it’ll hang/generate an error, making you either a) wait it out for eternity or b) re-post it and then BAM, your comment is double-posted and you look like an assclown. Then there’s the lovely “server is too busy!” message- you know, Fox gave them $580 million for rights, but by the looks of it they pissed it all away on hookers and crack instead of something equally fun, yet far safer: Bandwidth! As for the whole “routine maintenance” on profiles… I think someone needs to explain to Myspace what “routine” means, because it’s certainly not spots of time ranging from 5 minutes to 2 hours at any random part of the day. With the amount of traffic that Myspace generates on a daily basis, it would seem logical to have a large unit of professional technicians caring for the servers daily and working out kinks. So either these people don’t exist, or it’s actually a tight-knit group of mentally handicapped 5 year olds. I’m betting on the latter.

- Encouraging the proliferation of comment fishing. Let’s just toss self-esteem issues out the window- nobody is gonna post a picture of themselves if they really think they’re ugly because short of being forced to do it, that’s just not how reality works. Yet still you have girls (and occasionally, guys) posting a self-pic with a caption like “zOMG I’m hideous”…. Followed by a dozen comments telling them how great looking they are. And I’d almost despise these people for using their “friends” (more on that in a moment) just for a self-esteem boost but you know what? Fuck the people responding to them as well, because they could be teaching said person a valuable lesson by posting “yeah jeez, you ARE hideous. Did you get hit by a bus?”

- Friend whoring. Myspace took the word “friend” and sucked all that was good and right from it, because there’s an overwhelming abundance of people with 500+ friends. Now I understand bands or people that have done something legitimately popular having that amount of people added, but when you see an average 17 year old kid from some no-name town with nothing of any interest on their page and 1200 friends, you just want to smack them. No moron, I’d bet my left pinkie (and I LOVE my left pinkie) that you have 2, maybe 3 friends tops in real life and play with the imaginary ones/yourself far more often. This is like the kids in my town with over-sized trucks that make a shit-ton of noise to compensate for their short-comings as men; no, that big impressive number does not make you impressive by association. It does, however, make you look like a senseless, pathetic failure at life.

But aside from the technical issues (and what I mentioned above barely scratches the surface) the creators behind Myspace can’t really be blamed- after all, it’s not entirely their fault that most people who find their way to the site lack any grasp whatsoever of aesthetic value or the English language. As I said before, the idea is one I’m behind: It’s easily the greatest free tool on the internet for promoting yourself, your band, art, etc. And aside from that, it makes it mildly more entertaining to keep in touch with friends. At least, the ones that aren’t color blind monkeys with down syndrome.